Can’t Slow Down

 

But mere lounging wasn’t enough.

Only problem? If I wasn’t moving forward,

I felt like I was going to explode.”  Eddie Morra “Limitless”

Now, I put that quote on my Facebook a couple weeks ago and while on the surface it sounds like a good problem to have but unfortunately it’s as much of a curse as it’s a blessing.

While I have always been highly motivated, medication cleared my head so much that it intensified said motivation.    I am accomplishing more now on a daily basis than I ever before.

“I was blind but now I could see.”  Eddie Morra “Limitless”  Last quote I promise.

I no longer needed to Manage my Mid Day, I just blow through the afternoon into the night.  I don’t just Plan the next day in advance, I am about 5-7 days ahead in my scheduling.  Delegation, is at a all time high.

So why is that a problem for me?

While I am extremely happy with the results of the ADHD medication as it was determined that I was “at or near a full therapeutic dose” , one thing I had hoped it would improve was my constant desire.  And I’m not talking about my desire to work on my career, we are talking about the constant urge to improve myself in any way that interests me in that moment.

I can finally sit still without figeting, stand without pacing, listen and actually hear someone speaking.   But I can’t sit and watch a football game without answering email, or cleaning up the kids room during commercial breaks.

I know I shouldn’t complain about this.  Some people struggle to find the motivation to get out of bed in the morning.  I should count myself lucky.   Just don’t want to wake up one morning and be 75 and not know where all the time went.

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Finding The Right Job For Me

“He doesn’t yearn for a better, different life than the one he has – because he knows he’s got a home in this one.”
― Anthony BourdainKitchen Confidential: Adventures in the Culinary Underbelly

Anyone that knows me, knows that I have worked in restaurants for a very long time.   Fourteen years to be exact.

What they don’t know is that I was went to college to be a cyber crime investigator for the CIA or FBI.

Straight out of high school I attended Utica College back when it was part of Syracuse University.  My major was “Economic Crime Investigation with a concentration in Computer Science.”

2 years down and 2 years to go.  Everything is going great.  Criminology, Statistics, Basic Computer Programming all  a piece of cake.

So what happened?  Once it we got into the super advanced computer language, I “slowly collapsed like a flan in a cupboard”  random Eddie Izzard quote.

I couldn’t focus.  I couldn’t get it down.  Which should have a red flag for my un-treated ADHD , but instead I withdrew.  Ashamed and embarrassed I went into hiding in the restaurant business.

I loved the face paced environment of the restaurant but I would easily get bored in the position I was in.  Then I learned new positions.  Then I knew all the positions.

It was only fitting that I would become a manager one day.

While restaurant management has plenty of frustrations, It’s perfect for someone like me.   I love the constant “bouncing” I must do when running a shift.  I can help greet guests at the door,  pour a beer at the bar,  bus a table, direct staff, flip a saute pan, and chop some basil all in the course of a few minutes.

I do hope to climb in my profession or go on to bigger and better things but for now I know I found a job that I can excel at.

Here is a link for fellow ADHD brains to help your find the right job for you.

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The Moment of Truth : Conner’s CPT II

Throughout the diagnosis process,  I had to take a computerized CPT ( continuous performance test) to aid in determining if I really had ADHD.

It’s meant to assess different attention related problems like inattentiveness, impulsivity , sustained attention, and vigilance.

The functionality of the Conner’s CPT II  is very simple.  I stare at a black screen for 14 minutes and letters randomly show on the screen.  If it sounds boring…it is.  That’s the point.   I am supposed to hit the space bar every time a letter pops up.  Except for the letter “X”.  At that point I am not supposed to hit the space bar.

I took it four times.  Under different scenarios each time.  With Caffeine, without caffeine, after work, before work,  good nights sleep, very little sleep.  To see if it skewed the results and provided a different explanation for my difficulties.

However, all the tests showed similar results.  While it measures many things I will use the data of how many times I hit space bar when  the “X”  came up  to paint the picture.  Remember, I’m not supposed to hit the “X” but I did…many times.  28 times on average for each trial.   Which is a key sign of inattention.

Now,  fast forward a couple months and I am three weeks on mediation.  It’s time to go back and take the test again with the Adderall fresh in my system.

All the perimeters that the test looks for had improved.  Number of times that I hit the space with the “X” ; 13.  Which is average.

This is great news.  Because I obviously “feel” like it helps and can totally tell the difference.  (I didn’t take it this morning because I had to wait until 2 hours before my appointment and I was totally lost and miserable).  Now, I can actually see that it does work.  It does help.

The only question that remains is that I have hit the “full therapeutic dose “.    Which is a discussion for my primary and I.

Struggling With Emotions

Emotional regulation is commonly difficult for those with ADHD, myself included but in a different way.  While many people with ADHD have trouble controlling/regulating their emotions,  I now as an adult, have trouble displaying them.  Joy and Sadness specifically.  I certainly have no problem displaying anger.

I remember growing up I was an overly emotional kid.   I would burst into tears over the smallest of things then be overly happy in the matter of minutes.

This actually continued into my early adult years.  In which it was deemed “unattractive” and “undesirable” to have be man who displayed such emotion.

Not sure how it was done but somehow the ability to show sadness in the form of tears was turned off.

“It was though I had my thermostat removed, was without a regulator.  I couldn’t be counted on to act appropriately, to respond correctly” Anthony Bourdain.

Even at times in which I should no wanted to cry, I couldn’t bring myself to do it.  The deep sadness inside making it even more painful now that I couldn’t show it.

“It’s cruel that you can cry and I cannot.

Here is a terrible pain I cannot express.”  Andrew Martin.  Bicentennial Man.

Does anyone else have this problem?

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Ten Days On Addrerall

Ten Days On Adderall:

I’m a week in a half into my medication trial for ADHD Treatment and I wanted share with you the pros and cons so far:

Cons:

Loss of appetite :  Three meals down to one with light snacking in between.

Occasional Insomnia:  I usually have no problem going to sleep, but staying a sleep and staying asleep can sometimes be a struggle.

Irritability :  Short Tempered and Blunt are the norm.  Rubs people the wrong way.

Dry Mouth :  Always thirsty.

Pros :

Focus : I am able to move from task to task without getting distracted or bored.   “I can see clearly now, the rain is gone.”

Problem Solving :  I am able handle challenges that come up during the day without feeling stressed or worn down.

Sustained Energy : No long feeling that mid day lull.

Reduced Anxiety

 

The cons are very common side effects of the medication while that pros are the desired result.  I have to continue monitoring the effects through regular check ups and testing but so far I am happy with the results.

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Turning “Not Now” into “Now

I have struggled with procrastination all my life.   It’s common knowledge that people with ADHD have two concepts of time: Now and Not Now, usually it’s the latter of the two. 

I tried to tackle procrastination earlier in the year.  While it improved greatly I still found myself struggling to get undesirable takes done.

Usually with any tasks that :

  • Don’t interest me
  • Mundane / Routine
  • Took to many steps or time to complete.

This is one area that medication has worked the best.  

Once a task is thrown in front of me I can now do it immediately, regardless if it meets the above criteria.  If I am unable to do it immediately for whatever reason, I write it down immediately to be done later or to be delegated out. 

I’m hoping that I can keep these habits up.