Fade To The Blackness

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Hello my old friend, it’s been a while.  Unfortanely , I have no one else to turn to and things have regressed so badly.  I feel more lost now than I did way back when I started writing almost two years ago.

I heard a song recently that I hadn’t heard in a long time.  A fairly popular song by B.O.B. from the early 2010s called Airplanes.  It was certainly overplayed back in its hayday but the is a line in that song that is totally relate-able to how I am feeling in the back-end of 2018.

” Cause after all the partying and smashing and crashing
And all the glitz and glam and the fashion
And all the pandemonium and all the madness
There comes a time when you fade to the blackness”

I think that says it all in the current state my personal and professional life.

We had another positive year at the restaurant.  That’s six years in a row.  Unthinkable in the this day and age with all the competition out there.  I’m thankful for all the hard work my team has put in.  But I’m still here.  No where to go and nothing else to reach for.  Each year it feels more watered down and with every award plaque, pat on the back, public recognition ; I feel this wave of sadness come over me.   “Is this it?, Is there has got to be something more?”  I love my work and the people but I feel like it would be better to fail…so there is something to work towards.  A comeback.   I don’t want to win anymore.

“So watch the things you gave you’re life to; Broken and build them up with worn out tools”   If by Rudyard Kipling.

My personal life has been no better.

I ended the my year-long blog with a definite direction.  I was going to give back whatever I had to those in need; those in my community.

And that’s exactly what I did.   But it comes at a cost.

I am the recipient of many kind words, compliments, pats on the back, thank you cards, hugs, and looks of admiration.    I give a lot of time and energy to schools, businesses, charities, etc.

Those compliments all feel great in the moment but at the end of the day when I sit down and reflect I only feel empty and alone.  That’s no one’s fault as they are only trying to affirm me for my efforts.

The heartfelt ones are the worst.

The reason is because I wish I could those emotions from the one that I care about most.

All I want is for her to look at me, talk about me, embrace me like that.  Like she used to.

It’s not her fault.  She is fighting her own battles.   And I can’t give her what she needs right now.    Is it my fault?  She didn’t always struggle like this with me.

Everyone talks about how hard it is for those suffering from Depression, which I can’t disagree.  But it can be just as hard for the loved ones that only want to help but don’t know how or  who have to sacrifice their own needs to be supportive.

So I do what I can.  I have my own struggles with Depression but I have to be strong and supportive.  So I pump myself with prescribed stimulants.  They don’t even serve the purpose that they were prescribed for at this point; treating ADHD.  They are strictly a mood  stabilizer.

Like any drug…you build up a tolerance over time.  They become ineffective . So It’s recommended that I take “breaks’ from the pills to keep the tolerance from building.

Those are the hardest days.  Those days I struggle to get out of bed.  Struggle to paint that smile on.  Struggle to focus on what I set out to do.

All I can do is  pray that the new year has answers.  I hope that my own projects guide me to find my own way.  I hope that she finds the missing piece that she is looking for.  I hope that I am not lost in the process.   But I would give up anything as long as she is ok.

 

Thanks for listening.

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Author: billshappinessproject

I was near the end of 2016 when I realized that my life was totally out of balance. I was 30 and I was working my life away. I did not have strong relationships with my wife, family, or friends. It was around this time that I came across THE HAPPINESS PROJECT by Gretchen Rubin. It was then that I decided to launch my own year long project towards personal happiness for the entire year of 2017.

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